Greetings from the Ridge.
I suppose that this is as good a place as any to make the announcement: I am running Herb Crump for Congress.
Any candidate is allowed one free ad when he or she announces a candidacy and since we don’t have a campaign war chest built up yet, this serves as your official notice. I’m his campaign manager and so far his only supporter, but after reading his qualifications I’m sure we can count on your vote.
The ten best reasons to vote for Herb Crump, your next Congressman:
HERB IS ELECTABLE. All you need to do to get elected nowadays is to have your party gerrymander your district so that only folks of your persuasion can vote for you. Republicans arrange the districts so only Republicans win and Democrats happily do the same whenever they get the majority. I have located seven people in Coonridge who actually like Herb and have drawn a snaking line through town, carefully drawing the borders of an assured victory. No matter where you’re reading this column, I can devise a spaghetti-shaped district to include your household. A majority is no longer needed to win an election, just a clever pencil.
HERB PROMISES TO DO NOTHING. He’s not done a thing for the first 63 years of our marriage and I see no prospect of him suddenly springing into action. Since the ability to do nothing is one of the requisites on being a member of the current Congress, Herb will fit right in. And if he gets a wild hair and actually tries to promote a bit of legislation or compromise with one of the opposing parties, I promise to slap him across the head. That’s behavior unbefitting a member of Congress.
HERB WILL TAKE MONEY FROM ANYONE. Lobbyists will pad the pockets of Congressional candidates to the sweet tune of nearly $7 million in this next election and Herb is an Equal Opportunity Leach. He’ll take money from anyone willing to write a check. When it comes to receiving money under the table, Herb is completely democratic.
HERB WILL NOT BE BOTHERED BY MATTERS OF CONSCIENCE. You can’t be bothered by something you’ve never had.
HERB CAN BE TRUSTED. Having lived with the old poop for over six decades I can assure you that whatever the issue, you can trust Herbie to make the wrong decision.
HERB IS AGILE. When it comes to ducking the blame and avoiding any sort of responsibility, there’s not a candidate who can sashay more quickly than Herb Crump. Whether it’s something as meaningless as a household chore or the failure to pay the power bill, Herb’s been blessed with magical powers that somehow allow him to escape any sort of accountability. In school his favorite sport was dodge ball.
HERB CRUMP WILL LISTEN TO YOUR CONCERNS. He won’t do a darned thing about them, but he’s got the ability to listen and nod his head. His being half deaf has made him not only a good listener but a prime candidate for Congress.
HERB IS A DEFT CAMPAIGNER. The prime requisite of any candidate is the ability to get out among the people, shake hands, kiss babies and eat barbecue. Herb excels in each these campaigning skills. Yes, he’s got a limp handshake, he dribbles his barbecue on his pants, and he’s occasionally dropped a baby or two, but they tended to bounce.
HERB IS AS GOOD AS HIS WORD. Believe me, his words and his actions are on an equal par.
HERB WILL NOT DISAPPOINT YOU. Walking into a Congress that accomplishes nothing, holds its next election more dear than the good of the country, is the embarrassment of the world, and keeps taking more and more while providing less and less, Herb Crump will be a perfect fit. The man’s greatest asset is that he is completely and frustratingly predictable. In a government that cannot be trusted to accomplish the simplest things, a little predictability might be a welcome thing.
And I should add a disclaimer to this since my real motive is to get the man out of the house for a bit so I can get something done.
You ever in Coonridge, stop by. We may not answer the door but you'll enjoy the trip.